Someone recently told me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I effortlessly make them question their beliefs and feelings. Hearing that didn’t sit well with me, especially since I’ve been pondering the question in the title for quite some time.
I’ve always been quite critical of myself and don’t consider myself a very nice person. When I discover that someone doesn’t enjoy being around me, I don’t blame them one bit. It’s not like I’m intentionally mean or abusive; quite the opposite, actually. I have very strong morals. However, this includes things like not lying, which means I always speak the truth, even if not everyone likes hearing it. I don’t conform to many social norms expected of me.
Despite all of this, I have deep relationships with several people and especially the elderly and for example the parents of my past girlfriends have all liked me a lot. But I can’t help but wonder why they don’t see me as I see myself. I worry that I’m hiding the true me so well that people don’t actually like me, but rather the facade I unknowingly maintain. Then again, a true psychopath probably wouldn’t be second-guessing themselves in this manner.
You should talk to a therapist.
Asking this question and being self critical is a good sign.
Being told you are gaslighting is NOT necessarily a sign you are a psychopath. They could be gas lighting you. Or you could just have some other blind spots about your own behavior.
You should talk to a therapist.
Definitely. This.
It’s really the only good answer OP is likely to get on the internet.
I’m gonna guess that “Quite the opposite; I have very strong morals. This however icludes things like not lying which means that I always speak the truth and not everyone likes hearing it. I don’t follow many of the social norms expected of me.”
is the reason for this
“A person recently said to me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I so effortlesly make them question their own beliefs and feelings.”
It’s good to remember that most of our society is based on lying, and that most people prefer someone nice, rather than someone honest.
most people prefer someone nice, rather than someone honest
I try to identify those people fast to keep away from them.
Honestly it’s almost impossible for me to think of someone who isn’t like that. Have you found people who aren’t…?
I’m autistic and have much better luck finding “plain” conversation with other autistic people. No idea I’d you are or aren’t but you’ll welcome to join the community of you aren’t a bullshitter.
It can be a little weird to get used to because the whole world lies, but man, is it refreshing once you do and have the trust/rapport to just speak plainly with friends.
I appreciate this response. I’m not autistic but sometimes I have thought I could be on the spectrum. Nothing diagnosed yet though. I have commented and lurked in that community here and have sometimes felt like I have some things in common with y’all. Have a great evening.
Nobody likes the bad kind of “honest” where someone is constantly an asshole for no reason, then hides behind “well would you rather I lie about my hatefulness?” as though it’s the honesty that people dislike rather than the views they’re being honest about.
But plenty of people appreciate honesty from those who also happen to be otherwise good people.
That isn’t honesty, that is being a bully with an excuse. Those people tend to be inconsistent enough that it becomes clear they are not even being honest.
Agreed, but they call it honesty, so when someone says they’ve never encountered a single person who appreciates their honesty, it’s my first suspicion.
That might reflect on you just as much as the people you’re suspicious of. What I’m talking about is that someone can ask your honest opinion, you break it to them as gently as you can, and they are obviously crushed by it. There are other varieties of it too, but that’s the one that sucks the most and illustrates that honesty is just not really what most people want if it’s at all a difficult truth.
If you want to play the “I know you’re a shitty person by one comment on the internet” game, go ahead.
Something being my first suspicion is quite different from it being a knowledge claim.
I can think of only three people I have ever known out of the thousands of people that I have interacted with in my lifetime that actually preferred honesty over politeness.
I prefer honesty.
Yeah I kind of feel that way too. People will even say they want the truth but they often don’t. I even fall into that category sometimes though I generally think I would much prefer the truth. I kind of get it, the truth is really hard to deal with sometimes. But I can’t understand always putting it behind “being nice”.
You sound like someone on the ASD spectrum - honest, principled, not confirming to social norms, overthinking. You had to mask to survive, yes, so obviously there is a facade, but that don’t make you a thief. You are thoughtful & intelligent, & capable of using logic to steer the conversation, but that don’t make you manipulative. You are honest man with morals, how can you not be kind? Why don’t you consider yourself a nice person?
Why don’t you consider yourself a nice person?
I’m a bit arrogant at times and have very little patience with people I don’t find interesting. If I like my own company better than being around someone else they’ll probably going to notice. I also find most topics that “normies” talk about to be extremely uninteresting which is why for the most of the time I just remain silent and then when I do open my mouth it’s often something that goes against the common narrative or just otherwise is easy to misunderstand. Then there’s often this one guy in that group who later comes to me in private and tells me that they totally agree with what I said earlier. Those are the people I then bond with.
Yep, ASD. We are intelligent. We are perfectionists. We take our sweet time to learn about the world around us. Once we’ve learnt about something, we are quite sure of it, & hence we’re strongly opinioniated on things we know. Stupidity, and not being able to see things correctly may even ‘trigger’ us, & hence we can come across as arrogant. We can see the forest for the trees, but we lose our minds because the rest of the world only sees the trees for the trees.
