Got lucky with a girl I met through a friend’s girlfriend that I am absolutely in love with but I couldn’t get it up when things got heated. Stayed over at hers but didn’t even get morning wood the day after, only semis over night. Also haven’t had a boner for 3 days now.
She’s actually texted me back more than once after the incident, so I think she might still be ok wil me, but I feel like I should apologise or something. I don’t want to force things but I also don’t want to lose her. Should I apologise?
Also I’ve looked at porn for like 13 years and was getting unwanted hard ons with no effort literally the same week this happened. And I tried looking at porn later (to check if it was porn brain) and my dick remained soft until I touched it (even then it wasn’t like like it nromally is). WTF? Could I have got ED literally the one time I was on the verge of getting laid? Safe to say, I will not be looking at porn again.
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Performance anxiety is perfectly natural, that’s when you put your hands and mouth to work.
Instructions unclear, broke back tryna suck my own penis.
I believe the Marylen Manson school of medicine should be able to get you sorted there.
yes and this often will getcha going.
Don’t apologize at this point, just be mindful to show you’re still interested.
If it’s just stage fright, spend more time on foreplay. Specifically foreplay focused on pleasing her. You’d be surprised how quickly your partner being pleased by your hands on approach will git’cher prick up.
Listen, you got nervous and things didn’t work right. It’s actually a fairly common issue. The problem is the next time not only are you nervous about the same stuff, but you get nervous it won’t work again.
Be an adult and talk to her. You don’t need to apologize, just explain that you like her and got nervous and things didn’t happen. She’s probably worried it was her. Take things slow and be patient and relaxed. Everything will work out fine.
If you don’t know what you’re doing, search for porn for women. It tends to be more “realistic” and more focused on what women enjoy. But at the end of the day just take it slow and communicate.
Could have been performance anxiety honestly.
You got a tongue in your mouth, don’t you? Use it on her
Edit: reread and had a full night’s sleep. She texted you back. She might be a keeper, figure out what she wants and then give it to her lol
When in doubt, eat her out.
This is the way. It buys you some time and it makes her happy.
absolutely in love with
Sounds like you’re on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and it’s messing with your head - which in turn will mess with your dick’s behavior.
Newsflash - not being ready for sex is not some form of modern-day leprosy (no matter what the rape-apologist brigade says).
Real life intimacy is not something you can learn from porn - you can only learn it by doing (note that I didn’t say doing it). It sounds to me like you have an idea in your head of how these things should go that isn’t matching up with reality - if I were you, I’d rather sacrifice the former rather than the latter.
It’s not the porn - porn is just fantasy. It’s your expectations of yourself that’s the problem. You need to let that go. Not being ready for sex is not something you need to apologize for - but you need to learn how to be open about this stuff. She obviously still want to talk to you, and you should.
Thank you for this.
Sure thing.
As Wesker said, make it an exploration all about her and let it go wherever it goes. If you don’t get motivated for more, that is okay. Play it cool and don’t make a show of it. Take her to climax and then be whoever she needs in the moments after. If you do not take, only give, and never make it into a thing, you’ll be mysterious and interesting as a side effect. If you’re not into her, that will become clear in time.
Also double up on an exercise routine where you do a short morning and afternoon activity that gets you sweaty at a minimum. That always helps me.
Thanks. I tried that but quickly realised I had no clue what I was doing and she seemed uncomfortable telling me. I’ll do more if I get lucky again.
One thing I would definitely do is let her know that you like her, you enjoyed it and you want to do it again, and that you were just nervous. She’s probably equally as nervous about how you’re feeling as you are about how she’s feeling.
Also, most guys don’t tell women that they’re beautiful/pretty/etc, which really surprised me when I learned that. It also surprised me how good it felt to hear it back. It makes a big difference to let your partner know what you like about them, and although it’s probably not great that we focus so much on women’s appearance as a proxy for their self worth, it’s still a nice thing to say. I say this assuming you do think she’s hot - I find when I’ve got a crush on someone they seem to glow.
Now, here’s some practical, slightly graphic, slightly clinical advice that I wish I had when I first started out:
Technique is something you can research, but it’s also unique to each person and requires communicating. Consistent stimulation of the clitoris will generally lead to orgasm. Not too hard, and you should also avoid the temptation to just go ham, you’re not trying to erase it. If you’re not in a rush, she’ll sense that and it will help her relax too, which is important for being able to enjoy the experience. Let her ask you for more intensity if she wants it, and if you’re making her feel good she probably will. Taking it slower is a good way to get your partner to realise they want more and communicate it, which is a great opportunity for expressing enthusiastic consent, and it’s sexy as hell. Make sure her clit is kept wet with something - spit, her juices, lube if you’ve got it.
A comfortable, intimate position to try it from is lying side by side, one arm under her head and the other one doing the work. You can interact a lot, kiss and pay attention to her responses like that. It can also be worth getting down close to her bits and looking at what’s going on there. Plus the tongue is a good tool like others have mentioned, and light suction can be nice especially because it draws blood to the surface and makes the skin more sensitive.
Some clit owners like more direct, under the hood, some prefer over the hood, some prefer more left or right side of the clit. It’s also worth experimenting with inside stimulation, and learning about where the gspot is. It’s basically a way to stimulate the same clitoral nerves but from the other side, inside the vagina. Also all around the entrance and nearby are also worth giving attention, it’s not all about the happy button (although it largely is). If you can’t tell what she likes, ask.
This sort of thing, if you learn it, will help you be a good lover, and there’s nothing better for your confidence than making someone cum. Another thing that will help you both enjoy it is learning what feels good for you and being able to communicate it to her. I wish you much good sex.
Edit: one last thing is, clean your hands, your junk and your ass. Even if it means getting some baby wipes and cleaning up in the bathroom before you start, it’s worth it. Vagina owners are way more conscious about infections because they’ve got a giant vulnerable membrane down there. It makes a big difference if they can tell you’re clean, and a lot of penis owners just never learn this.
This is a seriously underrated comment!
OP, it sounds like she maybe likes you, so be honest, but not brutally honest. It’s ok for her to know you like her and were nervous. It happens. Lay off the porn, and spend some time with her. Get to know her more. Flirt with her.
If she already likes you, there’s no need to be mysterious or play games. Be a friend to her, make her laugh, but keep up the flirting to stay out of the friend zone (which is very much a thing).
I appreciate the kind words, but I have to push back on two things you said.
First, there is no established link between porn and negative outcomes for health or sex or any of it. That’s a moral panic that has existed since the first sex workers, so basically since the dawn of commerce.
Secondly, the friend zone isn’t a thing. Most meaningful relationships I’ve had have started out as friendships and stayed that way for a while before anything changed. The key to changing things is to tell the person you like them. You can flirt if you want but you’re going to have to make a move at some point. It’s really that simple. If you hang around them as a friend hoping and waiting for “something to happen”, then it won’t, because they won’t realise you want more.
I know there are no studies regarding porn and sex drive, but it can desensitize you. Speaking from experience here (and I know that’s anecdotal). Not saying it breaks your equipment or anything. To quote my doctor, “at the end of the day, an erection is arousal + hydraulics, basically.”
Masturbating too much can desensitise you and I definitely agree with abstaining for a day or so if you want to make sure you’re ready for a partner. It really doesn’t have much to do with porn use though. I think it’s important to separate those two concepts and not use porn as a proxy for talking about masturbation.
I’m assuming this is all new experiences for you, and if so, no one knows what they’re doing at first. You just gotta fool around, and pay attention to your partners’ body language.
I’d say the greater majority of young women have a hard time communicating what they want in bed. It’s uncomfortable being that forthright, in such a vulnerable situation.
So for better or worse, you often just gotta just pay attention and try new things, angles, rhythms until you see or hear you’re doing something that works for her.
The largest sex organ is between your ears. So don’t over think this. If you treat this as a massive problem you will just psych yourself out which is actually what you are doing right now. You don’t need to apologize which would just make this a larger issue. If you treat this like a problem it will continue to be one. Just relax. Roll around and have fun. Just remember that almost all women can’t come from penetration alone. Your tongue and fingers will always be better than your dick. Treat her delicate as an egg yolk and have fun. Focus on fun and pleasure and relax
Edit: Nothing wrong with touching yourself when rolling around. That is a normal natural part of all sexual encounters. Don’t feel ashamed about it. Its part of the fun
- How much / often do you masturbate? If lots, then keep your hands to yourself for a week+.
- Chances are you failed because you were thinking about it too much, stressing yourself out. This can be pretty much a bit of a death spiral btw.
- If you’re really worried, get yourself checked out by a doctor to at least rule out any potential physical concerns.
As for the girl… Have you not responded to her since then? If so I’d definitely apologize for that and then just explain the situation and that you’re feeling insecure about it.
Sex isn’t only PIV. Get that mouth working extra.
“Oh your vagina doesn’t work right? Not to worry get sucking girl!”
No, do not apologize. Ask to try again, sure. You don’t have anything to apologize for. I’m a lady but older and experienced, guessing you are too excited and your body is misinterpreting it as fear, maybe just go slow until it gets the message.
Take it as lightly as you can, and get back in there! Ask her out.
You were probably nervous. In high pressure situations, (I have to leave for work in ten minutes, let’s go!) I have a LOT of difficulty keeping it up.
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Checks out. I take meds for HBP.
See your doc if you’re worried. No shame in having ED. Every guy gets it at least once, most men just never talk about it.
Could just be anxiety, but get the doc to give you a general checkup anyway.
I’d recommend talking to a therapist about it as well as spending more time on foreplay. also getting some ed meds (like viagra) can help you gain the confidence for the issue to stop.
It’s pretty natural, you shouldn’t blame yourself for it. Sometimes it just doesn’t get up and you just literally don’t know why. Or it could be something stupid like you’re too thirsty. You should probably let the girl know though ASAP that you absolutely still are interested. Hopefully she’s understanding - if you’re in the US, sex ed is abysmal, and she may not understand
